Kawaru Boku To change Me
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Complete] Shuichi remembers all over again the day Ryuichi Sakuma changed him as he watched him live. (Episode 8 of the anime.)
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: gravitation is maki murakami-sensei's but i love it too much and make fanfics for it. Please don't sue me. I'm already poor. This is out of love. Oh, and Sleepless Beauty's by The Seeker.  
  
  
I don't remember when.  
And I don't remember how.  
  
All I know is that when I first looked at god himself,  
I fell to my knees...  
  
  
I want to...  
I want to become a god myself...  
  
  
Kawaru. Boku. (To change. Me.)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Part 1 - I want to conquer the world.  
  
  
"Shuichi!!!!!" my sister pounded on the bathroom door. "How LONG ARE you going to stay there!!!!????"  
"I'm almost done!!!!" I turned off the shower and caught a towel as I ran out the door.  
She sighed. "Finally!"  
Then, she stomped into the bathroom. But I couldn't blame her. If she was going to be late for whatever appointment that she needed to go to that Saturday morning, well, I wasn't helping her much.  
I went into my room to change and turned on the radio again. "Tooku yume wo..." I started to sing in tune with Ryuichi Sakuma-sama.  
My god.  
My god that walked upon this earth.  
I stayed in the shower because I wanted to practice more. They say that when you sing in the shower, you sound better. I tried my best to convince myself of this. Well, as best as I could.  
I looked at the clock and shouted to myself, "Oh my god! It's already 10:30?!"  
  
So, there I was running to the local cafe that Hiro and I always hung out in. Hiro said to be _there_ at 10:30. when would I ever learn to be early???  
"Shuichi..." Hiro said as he sighed at me. But then, he smiled in relief. I think he thought that I got into an accident or something. (This is _me_ we're talking about. * sigh *)  
I looked at Hiro with apologetic eyes...Okay, so I turned into a chibi so that he wouldn't get _too_ mad at me. Cheap trick, but he'd never be able to resist me, right?  
  
I know. I'm really bad like that. And proud of it! ^_~  
  
"You..." Hiro eyed me as he smirked and scruffed my pink head of messy hair.   
"Am I forgiven?" I blinked at him.  
"Yes, you're forgiven."  
"Thank you, Hiro~!" I jumped into his arms and he blushed as he looked all around the cafe. "Okay, okay."  
  
By now, I think he's used to me...but then, well, my Hiro blushed a LOT. He'll deny it now, but I know him better than anyone. I should! I'm his best friend!  
  
We drank some coffee and decided that we would practice in his house. But before that, I brought over the concert video of Sakuma Ryuichi. I hadn't watched it yet, but I wanted to watch it with Hiro for pointers.  
As I kneeled down to set up the vcr, Hiro asked, "Have you watched it yet?"  
"Nope. But I ordered all the concerts."  
"Meaning you begged some people and used your cute ways to get them right?"  
"You betcha!" I turned around and smiled at him. "You can't possibly think that I'd pay for all this!? I can barely scrape enough for cds."  
He slapped his hand on his forehead.  
"I didn't mean to." I bit on my shirt with tears in my eyes. "They voluntarily gave me the tapes..."  
"Meaning you went to that one guy in the video store that had a crush on you."  
"Geh. You got that right." I nodded my head.  
He shook his head and sighed in frustration. Lifting up his hand and making a small gesture, he said, "Okay, okay, let's get started. I think I've heard enough."  
Instantly, I rushed up in front of his face.  
"Wah~!" He shouted.  
  
(This is high school sophomore Hiro, mind you. After meeting me, that's when he mellowed out. Well, okay, so he got more patient with life...and me...eep.)  
  
I pouted at him and blinked my eyes. "You sounded jealous for a moment."  
"I'm not jealous. I just think that guy gives me the creeps."  
"Whenever he looks at me, right?"  
He nodded.  
I hugged him again. "You're such a caring friend, Hiroshi!!!!"  
He gulped as he patted my head. Then, he gave me a firm look. "He didn't do anything to you in order to give you those tapes, right?"  
I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Why?"  
"Nothing." He sat back in his chair and mumbled softly, "Okay, so the guy gets to live..."  
"What was that?" I asked as I pressed the remote control. I didn't know if I heard that really clearly though. He denies saying it until this day too.  
"Oh, nothing..." he answered as he whistled.  
  
[Insert author's squeal of approval here. Hiro you are ~such~ a kawaii boy!]  
  
The introduction of the tape began and I was smiling my head off.  
"Sakuma Ryuichi! Sakuma Ryuichi~!" I squealed unable to hold in my excitement.   
There, my god, whom I had never seen in concert before smiled at the camera. He waved his hand and laughed saying, "Oi~ MINNA-SAN!!!!!!!!"  
The crowd was getting warmed up.  
"I can't hear you," he teased.  
"Nittle Grasper!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
He held his hand against his ear with Kumagorou on his other hand. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!"  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the crowd shouted back.  
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!"  
He nodded to Seguchi-san and Noriko-san saying, "Let's go!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"   
The crowd went wild as Ryuichi put down Kumagorou on the stage.  
  
Sleepless Beauty's beat was in the air. The camera panned out to the crowd...to Seguchi Touma...and then to Noriko-san...  
Ryuichi's smile of genkiness was erased as he closed and opened them again to sing, "Touku yume o..."  
  
I opened my eyes and fell to the ground as I crawled closer to the screen.  
  
This...was Sakuma Ryuichi???  
  
THIS WAS SAKUMA RYUICHI?!?!?!  
  
You couldn't possibly understand the shock I was in. I've heard him so many times, but this doesn't compare to cds at all! It was like a magical transformation that I couldn't even begin to describe or comprehend.  
  
Many things ran through my head and I couldn't even utter a word. I was so speechless.  
  
It was my dream to sing like Ryuichi Sakuma...  
  
I then turned around my head to Hiro while pointing to the screen. "I want to be like that!"  
  
The intensity filled into my fingers. My hands were energized and my eyes were glued to the screen. I breathed and gulped whatever I could.   
  
I want that passion. I want that strength...  
  
How can I possibly do that!?  
  
It was then that I began to look at my gloved hands. "How can I possibly achieve that Hiro?"  
A surprised Hiro looked at me. I could feel his stare even when I didn't turn around.  
  
I knew he understood.  
He always understood this weird pink-haired genki ball.  
  
Looking at Ryuichi made me think how foolish I had been for a dream.  
  
But, it was then that Hiro shouted at me, "What are you crying about Shuichi?! You can't be like him."  
  
I lifted up my head in defeat. "That's right. I can't."  
  
Not with my singing. Not with my lyrics either.  
  
It was then that Hiro walked in front of me and kneeled down to lift my chin up. Wiping away my tears, he winked at me. "You can't be him. He's Sakuma Ryuichi. There's already one of him in the world. The only one. But..."  
He poked my heart. "This is _my_ Shindou Shuichi. And there is only one of him in the world too."  
I blinked my eyes as my lip quivered. I didn't know whether to say 'aww', 'thank you', or whatever.  
"You...you really mean that?" I could barely say.  
He smiled and got up. "Let's go practice, Shuichi. We've got the show the world what _we've_ got."  
  
I jumped up and hugged Hiro from behind. Burying my face in the back of his shirt, I hugged his waist even tighter as the tears fell down on my face. I was so touched...  
  
It was then that I knew we'd always be friends. Best friends.  
  
He patted my hands. "If there isn't a star up for you someday. Then, dammit, I'll make you one."  
Yes, it sounded cheesy. Yes, I know it sounded sappy as hell. But this was Hiro. Hiro, the person who never wanted to show any emotion to anyone. The smartest kid in class who was practically anti-social. But we talked about music and it all started from there...  
  
I never forgot that day. The day Sakuma Ryuichi changed my life. The day that I looked at him and thought I could conquer the world...with Hiro of course.  
  
Before I went home that day, I stood in front of Hiro and jumped to kiss him on the forehead.   
"Thanks!" I shouted as I ran to go home.  
He blinked at me and waved back.  
  
Hiro wouldn't let me thank him in any way. He doesn't understand how much that meant to me...  
  
  
  
It was then that I looked at Ryuichi laughing in front of me as he waved at me. I waved back. He had just said we were 'tomodachi'.   
I was so honored.  
  
As I looked at him, this was the memory that ran through my head at that moment. When you think you're losing your life, they say it flashes before your eyes.  
I didn't need an accident.  
  
When I thought I had done so well, even the most awesome performance Bad Luck had done thus far...  
When Ryuichi-san's eyes changed as they opened for the performance before the camera, I saw the intensity.  
  
He sang 'Sleepless Beauty' in front of me. Live. It wasn't on some ratty vhs tape anymore...  
  
I felt numb all over as a quivering feeling of fear and nervousness came over me. I gripped my fists together and my throat became dry.  
I couldn't breathe anymore.  
  
It was happening all over again...  
  
  
  
To be continued.  
  
  
---  
Author's comments: Phew! This was actually in my head for a long time! I really really wanted to do this one. But, it also made me think, when was the first time I sang? I don't remember. As far as I have known, I've loved to sing as if it were breathing to me. If I couldn't hear music or sing it, I'd rather not live. It is that important to me...  
  
Wow...intense. I was really holding my breath as I imagined myself as shuichi looking at ryuichi at that moment...  
  
  
This is dedicated to you, Ame-chan. Thank you. And this is also dedicated to Mirai Nodoka. You will always be my lucky charm.  
  
  
Touku yume o - the faraway dream  
tomodachi - friend 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine, but Murakami sensei's.  
  
I remember the day, The time, The warmth of his breath because he was so close to me.  
  
His bangs fell before his eyes as he whispered to my ear, "You make them fall to their knees for you."  
  
Kawaru. Boku. by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Part 2 - You don't ask. You damn well tell.  
  
SLAP!  
  
"Ryuichi! When will you ever learn?!" my mother had shouted as she still held her hand in the air. Instead of getting upset at her lover for hitting me while he was drunk, she had chosen to once again take out her frustration as I practiced my singing with the guitar I had in my lap.  
  
I gave her a look full of bitterness and frustration. But all my emotions couldn't be contained in a look or with a description. "Mother, I'm sorry, but you'll have to choose. Him or me." I pursed my lips together and became calm.  
  
Before I even heard the answer, I took up my duffle bag. "I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm going back to Tokyo."  
  
Walking out the door, I closed my eyes as I kissed her forehead. "Goodbye, Mother. Be happy."  
  
At the threshold, I held firm as I calmly said, "Someday, you'll wish you had picked me."  
  
I remember that day. It was raining and all I had was a duffle bag with Kumagorou wearing a plastic hat to keep the rain out. Some little kid had given it to me and there was no way I would lose it.  
  
I'd rather die than lose Kumagorou now. It held all the hopes and dreams I had for myself. No one was going to take my one joy away from me: Singing.  
  
No one.  
  
Knock, knock.  
  
I showed up with dirty tears running down my eyes and my clothes all wet. My tattered umbrella couldn't take the impact anymore and my bag was the only thing that was dry along with Kumagorou.  
  
"Ryuichi?"  
  
"Sempai." Thump.  
  
I had woken up with a cloth on my head with Touma coming into the room. "It's not every day that future idols drop on your threshold you know."  
  
I laughed weakly with my cheeks burning and the fever making itself known on my body as it comfortably rested on the bed. "You sure know how to flatter everyone."  
  
"It's in the blood," he said as he smiled. Then, he went to the window to look out into the city. "So, I guess you're staying here with me, aren't you, Ryuichi?"  
  
"No, I." I then stopped. I didn't know what to say. But nor could I lie.  
  
"If you step out of this apartment, I'll never forgive you, Ryuichi." He sighed as he held the glass window in front of him. "Wherever you go, I'll find you. So there's no use."  
  
My heart skipped a beat and blinked even though he couldn't see me doing so. I then smiled contentedly. This was just his way of saying to stay and take care of myself.  
  
He turned around and came next to me. As he leaned forward, I felt his breath on my cheek and my ear. "Be sick all you want today, but tomorrow's D-day."  
  
"I know," I answered as I nodded. I then pulled his collar and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Tou-chan~!"  
  
His eyes opened a bit as he straightened up and fixed his collar while clearing his throat. "Ah."  
  
The next night, we got to the theatre where we had to perform. I looked at the stage as the people got into their seats and chattered mindlessly.  
  
To them, this was a night of fun and music. To me, it would be the beginning or ending of my life.  
  
I looked at Touma. He was as calm as ever as he leaned on the wall with his arms crossed. As we went into the dressing room and waited, we changed and sat in the seats provided.  
  
I cupped my hands together as my stomach felt like knots being pulled tighter and tighter. It was more than nervousness. I wanted to be perfect.  
  
With singing. I was an actor.  
  
I acted my part and could feel like I could touch anything. The high note that had taken two months to perfect would be a split-second of triumph. If there was one thing I learned from Touma, it was to make everything look natural.  
  
My words had to roll off my tongue. They weren't just spoken or sung, they were shots like a gun aiming at the bull's eye. I wanted to touch the sky.  
  
It was only a reach away.  
  
But then, I began to grow even more apprehensive as I thought of my future. What future? I was riding everything on this performance.  
  
I was always thoughtless like that. Caught between responsibility and adulthood. Caught between childhood and wanting a dream to come true. I didn't know where I was supposed to stand.  
  
I only knew my place in the world when I sang.  
  
"I can't do this," I finally let out as I sighed.  
  
Touma came over to me and punched me in the face. He took up my collar as his hand held me shakily. "Ryuichi. If only you would believe in yourself as I see you."  
  
"You're asking too much. I just love singing. Who makes a living out of something they love?! Only very few!" I shouted back with my eyes looking straight into his.  
  
"You will, you dummy!" He then pressed his lips onto mine.  
  
Then, he shook my shoulders back and forth. "You're not just some company president's son. You're not just anyone. You are Ryuichi Sakuma!"  
  
I looked back at him in shock.  
  
His eyes gave me a look of determination as his eyebrows almost touched one another. "I am Touma Seguchi. I'm not my father's puppet."  
  
He held my cheeks as we touched foreheads. "Do you remember what you told me when we said we'd do this?!"  
  
My lips opened a bit as I remembered with all the pain, hurt, and persistence trembling from my fingers and beating through my human heart.  
  
"You told me you wanted to be somebody, Ryuichi! Do you remember that?!"  
  
A tear went down my cheek. He then embraced me as he pushed me away. With his head bent low, his eyes were shadowed by his bangs.  
  
With a calm and firm voice he instructed, "You won't ask. You'll damn well tell."  
  
Knock, knock. A woman came into the room as she politely announced, "It is your turn next. Please take your positions."  
  
As we entered the stage with the crowd looking at me, I felt at home. As Touma passed me, his bangs fell over his eyes again as he whispered my ear, "You make them fall to their knees for you."  
  
I nodded as he played the synthesizer. Nodding as holding onto the microphone, I then looked up with an evil twinkle in my eye and spreading to the rest of my body.  
  
I felt the energy as I lifted my head in arrogance. No one would beat me in my own game.  
  
My heart beat faster and I sang my soul out in melodic syllables, "Tooku yume o."  
  
Yes. The faraway dream.  
  
The feeling had come back to me as I sang this song years later. As I waved at Shuichi, the song played again as I raised my head.  
  
No. No one will beat me at my own game.  
  
We're friends off the stage, but rivals in the music world, Shuichi.  
  
My eyes squinted as I held the microphone and sang to the camera the song I had made when I felt like I was reaching for something that would never be.  
  
Sleepless Beauty.  
  
As I saw Shuichi fall to the ground, I gripped my microphone more and sang even harder as well as louder.  
  
Singing is my unexplained passion. I have control and no one can tell me what to do.  
  
I won't ask for anything in this realm. I'll damn well take my place.  
  
To be continued.  
  
-- Author's comments: I wanted to perceive Ryuichi and Shuichi's thoughts on singing. I made Ryuichi dark, but I wanted to give somewhat of how passionate and overboard and harsh I myself am about it. When I was young, someone had discriminated against me, and I shouted, "I am going to become someone, Mommy! I promise!" Have you ever loved something so much? That's writing and singing for me. What's yours? 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: Gravi isn't Yui's.  
  
(Note: this is the night after the last episode of the Gravi anime.)  
  
  
Kawaru. Boku.  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 3 – Iru. (To exist.)  
(final)  
  
  
"Shine, Shuichi," my god had said to me.  
  
I looked in silence at Ryuichi who had been sitting in the swing next to mine.   
  
We had been here for a while, but nothing could have prepared for anything that had happened.  
"Why did you cry?" Hiro had asked.  
  
And yet, he was the one who had answered, "Remember what K-san said? You shouldn't reach Sakuma Ryuichi-san's level so fast."  
  
Hiro…  
How much he always helped me.  
  
But I couldn't convince myself then. As always, I had to figure it out for myself, or I would never learn, would I?  
  
  
I smiled to myself as I swung a bit faster.  
  
It was only when Ryuichi Sakuma himself told me "Shine" did I even begin to understand.  
Understand that our levels weren't different.  
We had different goals, and our hearts were composed of things that weren't of the same mixture.  
  
But there was one thing we shared: We loved to sing.  
  
It wasn't about the levels.  
It was about the passion.  
  
I had become part of the number one bands in Japan. To even be considered in the same realm as Sakuma Ryuichi…  
That was shocking in itself.  
  
Shine…  
That's what you told me.  
  
"I want to ask you something, Shuichi-kun."  
  
I looked at Sakuma-san and nodded my head while swinging. "Yes?"  
  
He began to stop swinging as he looked at me seriously. "Why did you cry that day I sang Sleepless Beauty on that television show?"  
  
I pointed my head downward in shame.  
Today would be the day I would tell my idol the truth that I had always wanted to tell him.  
"Because it was you."  
  
"Me?" He was confused as he hugged Kumogorou in his lap.  
  
"You changed my life. When I first saw you in a videotape. That was the day I knew that this was what I wanted in life." I smiled as I looked at him. "It was very childish, but I knew in my heart that this was for me."  
  
I blinked as I began to sniff. "Thank you."  
  
Ryuichi looked at me and nodded. "You're welcome."  
  
Then, god himself looked at the ground while fidgeting his fingers. "You're a very interesting person, Shuichi."  
  
"Thanks," I replied with a smile.  
  
Then, his soft gaze at the sand changed as he looked at me.  
With this intense look, I found myself stopping. I halted swinging and stared at him.  
  
"You have it."  
  
"What do you mean?" I tilted my head in confusion.  
  
"You love music as much as I do. That's why I like you so much." He sighed as he shook his head.  
  
Then, he began to blush a little. "I started Nittle Grasper again because of you."  
  
I gasped a little as I blinked at him in surprise. "Ore?"  
I pointed to myself unable to believe that it was me he was saying this to. I looked around like an idiot to make sure.  
  
I gulped.  
  
He then smiled gently. "When I was younger, I took up my stuff and thought I wanted to sing. I didn't know I could make a living out of it. In fact, Touma hit me to get me back into shape."  
  
I blinked my eyes again. "Really?"  
  
He nodded slowly. "But when I took the microphone, I knew that it was mine. I knew that all of it would be mine someday."  
  
"I wish I had that kind of confidence." I sighed.  
  
Sakuma-san shook his head. He patted my head. "What I'm trying to tell you is that it isn't about confidence at all. It's about love."  
  
He then got up and placed Kumogorou safely into my lap. And then, he raised his hands as if he were holding an imaginary microphone stand. "You make love to your music. And then people know you're reaching out to them."  
  
Looking back at me, he winked. "No one can sing when there is no one to sing for. If it's singing for yourself, this isn't enough. There is no meaning to that either."  
  
Turning around fully and looking at me intensely, he explained, "Whether you laugh, cry, smile, or get angry with the song, you sincerely show who you are. You make that risk. And there's a chance for rejection, just like a love confession."  
  
Then, he came over to me and held my shoulders. "It doesn't matter if you sing well. And it doesn't matter if your lyrics aren't the best. People come to you because they can hear you and your heart. Because you let them see it."  
  
"You feel what they feel inside. You are no different from anyone else because you are human too. Through our songs, they know who is real," he continued. "That's why there are singers who are remembered and those who are not. You as a singer should know the difference between someone who aims just for material pleasures."  
  
He held onto my face. His fingers touched pieces of my hair and I felt lan electric shock run through me. "I saw myself through you. You are looking for something even Yuki can't give you. And this makes you whole."  
  
I nodded my head in comprehension.  
My heart was beating so fast with the intensity of how much we understood one another.  
  
"Yuki and singing make me who I am…" I mumbled. "They make me happy."  
  
And at that moment, Sakuma-san closed his eyes and kissed me gently on the forehead.  
  
I sat there in shock, not expecting this at all.  
  
Letting go, he took Kumogorou from my lap and smiled. He put Kumogorou on his head and once again became the genki little kid I had known him to be.  
  
"Shine, Shuichi, Shine," he encouraged me. "I don't mind if it is you that I lose my place to. Remember that."  
  
He walked away as I waved in back of him.  
  
Looking back at me, he shouted with a wink, "I won't accept anyone else, Shuichi!!!!!!!!!"  
  
My lip quivered as I began to cry like a little kid. I wiped my tears away in happiness.  
  
With all my heart, I screamed back, "Yakusoku da!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
Then, I got off my swing and ran home towards Yuki.  
  
With my hands in fists, I ran faster and faster with a happy smile on my face.   
  
"Thank you," I whispered to myself.  
  
  
Yes, that's right…  
Sakuma Ryuichi changed my life.  
And I was never the same again.  
  
For if he never existed…  
I would have been unhappy.  
  
So, I will keep these things inside of my heart.  
  
Ryuichi, Yuki, and singing…  
I know I can never live without them.  
  
  
I don't want to exist  
If it means that I couldn't have any of them…  
  
  
Owari.  
--  
Author's note: Yea! One unfinished fic, finished! ^_^  
Yea! I got the intensity I wanted! ^_^ 


End file.
